When to ask for help?

The pictures speak for themselves. Just genuine cuteness!

I know there are some other adoptive families that read my blog and I'll be curious to hear their take on this posting. Others can feel free to chime in too!

Nate and I have been asking ourselves questions about some of Julia's behaviors. It is so hard to know if her negative behaviors are a result of her age (almost 2), her gender, personality, adoption related or a mix of all of the above. There is a lot of adoption literature that explains how adopted kids will always struggle with feelings of anger/grief. Not all the time and not necessarily severe, just something adoptive parents need to have on their radar. That is great to know, but I am constantly questioning when is something adoption related and when is just your garden variety misbehaving child? :) And, the million dollar question in the adoption community, how is the child attaching to us? Does her behavior show that we need to work harder on attachment?

I should probably explain some of the behaviors she is having to give some perspective. We taught her to say, "stop," for when the boys are bugging her. However, she has morphed it into a very imperious sounding, "Stop It!," which she uses with Nate and I all the time. We are reminding her to say, "stop, please," so she can get her point across in a polite manner. The part that concerns me is that when Nate or I try to hug/tickle/hold her she pushes away and says, "stop it or (maybe) stop please." I am torn in these situations. I want to acknowledge that she asked in a nice way, but it also isn't good that she only takes affection on her terms, right? If she asks to be held it is ok, but not if we initiate. She doesn't reject our initiated affection all the time, just enough to make me worry. Again, is this just a normal age/personality issue or something we need to address? She also goes through really angry phases and where she does the exact opposite of what I ask. Actually, the doing the exact opposite thing is almost all the time. :) I was asking my Mom, "Is this what a mother/daughter relationship is like until they grow up?!" :) Ugh, I can drive myself crazy analyzing all of this stuff.

I did talk to our adoption worker and she suggested re-reading the Connected Child. She also said I may just need to remember Julia's age. Which is true, because she is so verbal and the third (fourth) child we tend to expect more I think. Our adoption worker also suggested meeting with an adoption therapist who could give us some perspective and new parenting tips. I seriously considered meeting with a therapist until I learned the cost. It would be $150 for the initial assessment and then $1oo for each 1 hour session. And, they can't tell you up front how many sessions you'll need. Ouch! So, for now, we'll do some reading and talk with other parents. I am also trying to just ignore the negative behaviors and not give her a reaction. I think that is what she is really trying for, some kind of reaction from me. Honestly though it takes serious prayer to not give a reaction all day. We are also doing time-outs on our lap. Any other suggestions? If things really do not improve or we're super stressed, we will talk to a therapist. I'm not against seeing a therapist, just want to make sure we really need it. ;)

I do want you to know that Julia brings so much joy to our family and we wouldn't change a thing! She is so smart and very verbal. She greets everyone with an enthusiastic, "Hi (insert name)!" I love getting her up from sleeping, she is so cheerful. I can not say my other children have been like that! Julia also enjoys helping. We have the boys take turns clearing the supper table and Julia insists on helping too. She is a social little girl and doesn't mind sharing her cuteness. I love the little happy dance/run she does and her smile is infectious. We love our precious Julia!